I have learnt a couple of things skiing down this sexual learning slope over the past few months. I have dug deep into my mental archives to unearth, dust out, and update old memories I had tossed into a chest and concealed beneath a bed in my brain.

This new knowledge has sometimes, left me contemplating how far I would go to achieve transcendent sex. A pleasure so consuming that the thought of holding back tears feels so torturous.

Discussions of butt plugs, tongues, and sweet liquid substances crawling through crevices, have made me understand that at the end of the day, it all still trickles down to the same three-letter word and the feeling that shelters it. Pleasure.

What we’ve come to discover about this word is; no matter what shape, style, or form it disguises itself in, it is never not recognizable. It does not discriminate nor does it have limits. We, on the other hand, are hampered by our thresholds—whatever they might be. It is something that takes the front burner. The priority of not biting off more than you chew—even if any form of biting is a travesty in sex, you get the idea. As attractive, exotic, and pleasant as the buffet of sexual cuisines are, certain ones would have you running at 100mph to the nearest toilet or some would outrightly leave you stunned.

On one of my purpose-driven research sessions, I tripped on an entanglement of links and hyperlinks to discover a sexual predilection that shocked me to my core—emphasis on the shocked. It’s called “electro-sex.” I’m sure Iron Man will not be so happy that we have discovered what has kept him and Penny Pots together for so long but it couldn’t have stayed a secret forever.

Nope, do not clean your glasses and press whatever screen you’re reading this on tightly to your face. You read correctly, electro-sex is a thing. Stunned?

Apparently, it has been around for quite some time as well. Erotic electrostimulation involves the use of a power source to apply electrical stimulation to the nervous tissue of the body, particularly the genital area, to stimulate sexual desire.

This practice dates as far back as the 1700s but it wasn’t until the late 1980s before e-stim machines were perfected. These devices are used to send regulated, electric waves to the sexual parts of the body.

Decades before then, scientific researchers discovered that naked wires could deliver jolts of electricity to help relax nerves and muscles. It is a discovery that brought about some medical gadgets used in hospitals worldwide. The waveforms of more modern electric stimulation machines are more complex as opposed to the simple, pulsed, and smooth waves used by older units. Acoustic or prerecorded signals, such as music, or specially designed computer files can be used for specific types of stimulation. No part of the body is above electrical prodding; the nipples, penis, testicles all have an involuntary subscription to zaps.

As far as electric sexual encounters go, I can not help but revisit the coveted ‘first time’ which happens to be the plot of some of my favourite romantic comedies and also the title of the best in the lot. Dad, if you’re reading this… I guess you know now.

Neon Wand

It was sometime during my first year in university and there was this girl I had a massive crush on at the time. The problem was she was older, much older and she wasn’t impressed with suave moves and bars I was dropping (please bear in mind I’m Michael B. Jordan in this story.)

After repeated visits to her class during free periods, I gradually melted a portion of the wall of ice she had built around herself and wriggled in. Eventually, after three months of trials to get her number, she finally punched her digits into my banged-up Samsung smartphone. Alas! Victory.

As days turned into weeks and then into months, we got closer and then inseparable. The long walks beneath the scorching sun to get to her department didn’t phase me. I was smitten. I had found my Lori Harvey and I didn’t mind the world knowing. We were “God when” before the phrase became popular. We had made plans for her to visit me before our joint class by 2 pm the next day. That night, we had both said things and sent things. All signs were pointing towards me losing my v-card the next day, so I went to bed early to expedite things.

The day is Wednesday and she’s on her way over. My roommate’s dilly-dallying is getting on my nerves but I drown my memory with thoughts of my lips around her caramel-shaded areola so nothing he did bothered me.

She’s been sitting on my bed, surfing through the catalogue of movies on my computer, and guess what? My roommate still hadn’t left for his class. I carried out my frustrations on the dishes I was washing and unconsciously turned her breakfast of noodles and egg into a pool of noodles and a soft-boiled egg. Of course, I lied and said that was how I liked my eggs but she knew the truth.

Eventually, my roommate left and we could finally be together alone and we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves. My research had taken me as far as cunnilingus and my obvious lack of knowledge was evident—even astronauts in space could see if they cared to look. But I guess it’s a natural stimulus of being a novice.

It was time to take the plunge and as expected I stuck it in the wrong hole. Like a baby taking his first steps, she led me to the ‘promised land’. My immediate response, however, broke the stereotype of letting out a sigh of pleasure or tears building up at the corner of your eyes. Like a dog finally seeing a bone, I drooled on her by accident.

Michael B would never do that but hear me out. It was my first time and she was sweet enough to not put pressure on me at that moment. She waited until we were in class and from then till we graduated to remind me. Hey, I know there weren’t any terminals connected to nipples or testicles but I can tell you I saw sparks that day.

Like the beginning of all WWE shows, I advise you not to try this with any bare wire you see laying around.

Don’t plug yourself to your generator all in the name of an electric orgasm. You and your private parts might not function the right way after that. But if you do end up trying it under controlled conditions or you’ve tried it before. Please, by all means, you are welcome to share your electrifying sex story with us. While we wait, I’d like to toss this out there. Are you willing to jump-start your sex life with this BDSM kink or you’d rather leave electrical distribution to NEPA? Feel free to let us know as well.

Tilewa Kazeem
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