As a young kid, I was privileged to look retrospectively at the Nigerian music scene as a sultry vocabulary builder; a Collins Dictionary of unsanitary words. Of course, now the diction has been updated but back then, a song like Kerewa by the musical duo, Zule Zoo hugely impacted the sexual language at the time. Being super young at that time, I was barred from ever listening to it. The problem here was, the chorus was singed into my brain and it had the entire country in a choke hold. The possibility of my ears coming within proximity of its raunchy lyrics was very high. Anyway, like Kerewa (which translates to the vulgar slang, f– k) I was also banned from uttering words like b-t-h, sl-t, and every other unsavoury word you could fathom. But you know what, I still said them anyway.

Fast forward some years later, and I understand the magnitude of those dirty slurs and why kids had no business using them. But one thing I also learned about those words is; when it is acceptable to utter such and how they help stimulate sexual pleasure. Before you run off calling your partner names, you should understand that unlike other things said during lovemaking this is more fragile. Introducing this into an already brittle relationship can blow it up to smithereens. Even strong relationships as well aren’t out of the waters yet.

Boundaries:

You need them. If you don’t have them, you need to set them. Every facet of your life needs boundaries so different parts of your body know the right response. In the world of sex, having boundaries informs you what is a no-no. And as a partner conscious of those boundaries, you are now aware of what to bring to the bedroom and what not to.

Communication:

The heartbeat of it all. Beyond sex, being able to sit down and listen to your partner without getting defensive and acknowledging all they’ve said isn’t advertised enough. With sexual conversation, we humans tend to shy away from saying it as it is. There’s this secrecy around sex-which I think shouldn’t be by the way- hindering people from being wholly open about their sexual desire. And I get it, not everyone deserves or is emotionally mature enough to handle your truths but I think, at the end of the day if you’re with someone you don’t mind slutting you out-pardon my language- then, I think he or she deserves to know, for the benefit of all parties.

Relationship Dynamics:

The dynamics of the relationship is also something to consider should you choose to talk dirty to your baby. In a relationship where you both don’t have jarring personalities or low-esteem issues or insecurities, using a derogatory word(s) during sex can fly. You both understand that it’s just a spice; the chilli and seasoning of consummation nothing more. However, a relationship struck with deficiencies would react differently and can be volatile if rushed into.

At the end of the day, we like what we like and when I found myself in this situation, I handled it with the same decorum used in writing this article. The day began like all the rest; cajoling her to come to my house like there was something more than a penis waiting for her. She showed up and we talked for a bit before we proceeded with the day’s program. Before that day, I hadn’t had a girl wrap her hands around my neck in a bid to choke before. And while she did it she looked me dead in the eye as she passionately rode me. When I flipped her for a doggy style, she kept mumbling, “f–k me like your h—-.” I’m not going to sit here and lie that I didn’t enjoy it or that it didn’t butter up my ego as I delivered powerful thrusts, but a little part of me felt off when she told me to call her derogatory names. I just stuck to baby and ignored her.

Maybe I’m not as sexually mature as I think I am or it’s a form of benevolent sexism where, yes, I believe women are fragile and shouldn’t be called such names or the lack of understanding in the dynamics of the relationship. But one thing I’m certain about is to ascertain where you are in your relationship before bringing dirty talking into the mix.

Tilewa Kazeem
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