DOWNTOWN CONFIDENTIAL: Sheer Necessities

Clothes, we all love them and we all have them, but can we all agree that they look a lot better when they are aesthetically scattered on the stairs leading up to the master bedroom, after an episode of an explosively spontaneous shagathon, that has left both parties spent, out of breath and sweaty? If you don’t, then you’re probably having boring old-people sex, scheduled for Thursday night and most likely tagged as “copulation” or “consummation” on both your calendars. If that’s your reality, that’s ok too as long as that’s what both of you are into.

But from what my newfound relationship with Cosmo, two and a half seasons of Sex Education (the third season wasn’t as interesting to me hence the half) and a PornHub membership have taught me, sex shouldn’t be tied down or hinged by routines making it very monotonous. It should be edgy, intriguing and fun but that’s kinda hard since it’s just one blood-filled appendage slowly slid or rapidly thrust into a wet warmth of a hole.

Thankfully, a few wardrobe upgrades would remedy those lacklustre bedroom performances. Reading this, your mind might picture lingerie with straps and high heel stilettos which are not entirely off-brand. But there’s more to reinvigorating your sex life than Victoria Secret underwear and a pair of Louboutins.

Yes, enrobing yourself with a pair of La Perla underwear would add a little sizzle to your sex life but when it comes to sex you don’t want to be a one-trick pony. What happens when you don’t get your hands on lingerie or worse your partner gets bored? You’ll be back to Thursday night missionary, only this time with lingerie.

As much as I hate to admit it, the majority of the male species often give in to their primal instincts. When something doesn’t entertain us we look for the next best thing that does which in this case, is another woman.

Let me let you in on a little secret, it takes as little as his tee-shirt…preferably a thin fabric or see-through, your unshackled breasts (featuring your erect nipples) and panties or not, to warm up his flag pole even before touching him. In no time, you’re arched over the kitchen counter receiving some strokes and these are not the kind that involves a spanking cane. However, it could be too if that’s what you’re into.

If you were to ask a man or your partner why my gender loves breasts so much, none of them would be able to give you a definite answer. Do you know why? Because I don’t, but I could take a wild guess and answer, ‘its softness.’ Unlike most men, women have very tender skin and when married with soft fabrics like silk or satin they are irresistible.

Reminding him just how supple your skin is with such textures would get his little man at attention. Getting in bed with loose-fitted silk pyjamas draped over your body while you let his fingers slowly travel over your curves would feel like he’s touching you without really touching you. But a quick disclaimer; I’ll advise you to invest in a bunch of these fabrics. I wouldn’t be responsible for the damage caused when he goes berserk and aggressively rips it off your body.

The weekend is for watching the game so you’d most likely find yourself floating around the house but I have two fashion items that would get him up off that couch and inside you. I can’t help but feel like I’m letting my kind down by divulging sensitive information but in retrospect, I’m doing us a favour.

A boob tape is the first thing. Very useful if you need to wear an outfit that shows more than enough of your breasts but is equally useful and highly sexy when paired with a fishnet. It’s not about revealing everything, it’s about knowing how to cover everything and still make a man feel like he’s seen everything. This fashion item is like owning a blank UNO card, only your own imagination sets the limit of what you do with your blank card!

Ladies, hurdle up and pay attention. Gents, you too can learn a little something as well. As you bubble towards the climax of this article, it is important to note that for you to pull this off, there must or better yet, should be some level of trust between you and your partner for this to work effectively. And another thing worth noting ladies, and it might well be the most important, is Confidence. A coquettish woman may attract men in bed, but a nervous wreck who feels awkward and uncomfortable won’t (did you laugh after you read the last part, did you chuckle? We both know we’d sleep with you regardless but don’t tell anyone I said that.)

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