POV: Jesus Christ, But Nigerian: How Six Bible Events Would Have Played Out In Nigeria

The origin of the Bible is still cloaked in mystery. When was it written? Who wrote it? For so long, the evolution of arguably the most influential book of all time has been documented in different languages, interpreted and presented in different versions, and adopted by different Christian doctrines all across the world. Due to Christianity’s popularity as the most practised religion globally, the Holy Book, the Bible, has been very influential in shaping the world we live in today. Think about all of the innate ideologies that we have been armed with, our knowledge of what is right or wrong at the very core of humanity; they all come from the Bible, especially the very popular 10 commandments. ‘Thou shalt not kill, lie, steal, etcetera,’ are some of the instructions that most people in the world try to adhere to, and of course, some of us break these rules, we are subconsciously reminded that they are all sins against God—and humanity—and we either retrace our steps back to being better humans or face the wrath sometimes. In today’s world, a justice system.

According to the Bible, the world was in formation and generations had passed before God sent his only begotten son, Jesus, as a breath of fresh air, so people could see God in a human form and try to strive to be like Him. This plan would eventually culminate in His death, through crucifixion, and His resurrection three days later—and that is why we celebrate Easter today. But let’s talk about the man in the centre of it all, Jesus Christ. Have you ever thought about what it would be like if He were alive today amongst us? Well, let’s play hypotheticals. Here are the ways that six popular stories about Jesus would have played out if they happened in Lagos, Nigeria today.

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way a blasphemous piece. We love, respect, and adore Jesus and are thankful that He gave His life for us.

Son Of A Carpenter, And A Virgin? Hmmm

Jesus Christ was introduced into the world in the most unconventional manner possible. According to the Bible, He was born through Mary, a virgin, essentially defying Biology. In the shame-based society we live in today, are you really going to believe that a virgin had given birth if you were living through it in realtime? I know our mums wouldn’t have if Mary were their daughter. “Don’t allow any man to touch you, and certainly not that carpenter I’ve been seeing you with! Don’t bring unwanted pregnancy into my house!” These sound like stern warnings very common in almost every Nigerian household. How would our mothers have explained it to people? It would have been tough.

The Three Wise Men Are Stuck In Obalende Traffic… Surely

According to the Bible, the birth of Jesus was a rather quiet event—it happened in a manger, not even a proper hospital. If it had happened today in Lagos, because of its low-key profile, we know that there are not going to be siren noises or VIP treatments. The three wise men would’ve had to go through the Obalende traffic. With today’s insecurity, I hope they safeguard their gifts.

Jesus Livestreams Miracles From His Instagram Account

At the time when terrestrial TV was the most advanced technology we had, some religious leaders forbade their congregation from owning a television set. Today with the advent of the Internet, it has not only been impossible to regulate its users, but religious leaders have also succumbed to its power as a tool for evangelism. Every church, and some leaders, now have a social media account. The big question is ‘would Jesus Christ have been on Instagram too?’ He had so many followers during His time here on earth; we wouldn’t put it past Him to repeat that feat on Instagram. Cristiano Ronaldo who? A @jesuschrist account would have been doing ridiculous numbers and probably been among the first verified accounts. I mean He is the son of God.

Red Wine – Jesus Saves An Owambe

Alcoholics gather here! Imagine you’re at an Owambe in Lekki and they run out of drinks. No shaking, Jesus is handling the situation. According to the Bible, it didn’t matter if the guests were saved or not, everyone got served. So whether you love Him or not, drinks are on Him. That is a standup guy we are all going to love, I’m sure. Oh, and performing at the wedding is Asa, doing a censored rendition of the last track on her latest album, Love Me Or Give Me Red Wine.

Jesus Spotted In Some Designers?

Although born in Bethlehem, Jerusalem, Jesus was from Nazareth, Northern District of Israel. The Bible, and its illustrators, painted him mostly in robes and sandals, similar to the style in vogue at the time. So, let’s put two and two together: what would Jesus be wearing if he were with us right now? Definitely not robes and sandals. Known to be the simplest man ever, I’m not sure that He would have been in some designers either. Or would He? Your guess is as good as mine. One thing is for certain though, top designers would offer him clothes for free.

Judas Betraying Jesus For Some Coins; Bitcoin

According to the gospel of Matthew, Judas went on his own to the priests of the Temple, the religious authorities at the time, and offered to betray Jesus in exchange for money—30 pieces of silver. Several researchers have since done one heck of guesswork to determine the equivalent in today’s currency but if it were to happen today, Judas would have been credited in some Bitcoins. At least Emefiele can have a strong-enough reason to ban cryptocurrency.

In all of these, it is important to note that Jesus Christ was put on earth to show us exactly how to live -a life of love, kindness, and empathy. If Jesus wouldn’t do it, don’t do it.

HAPPY EASTER.

About Author /

Self-identifies as a middle child between millennials and the gen Z, began writing as a 14 year-old. Born and raised in Lagos where he would go on to obtain a degree in the University of Lagos, he mainly draws inspiration from societal issues and the ills within. His "live and let live" mantra shapes his thought process as he writes about lifestyle from a place of empathy and emotional intelligence. When he is not writing, he is very invested in football and sociopolitical commentary on social media.

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