Festive Positions

As Nigerians, when the twelfth month comes a-knocking the prefix Detty is never far away. This period, however, doesn’t take the back burner to our habitual affinity for enjoyment or faaji (which means the same thing but upholds a cultural significance) and partying. Rather, it’s a subcategory hemmed and embroidered into the last month of every year.

This season is usually littered with musical concerts, house parties, and melodious showings across the country. After months of planning and saving, coveted diasporans popularly referred to as ‘I Just Got Back’ and resident civilians lay siege on events centres, beaches, and, or stadiums. Stumping on toes, legs, and necks unapologetically just to catch when Davido invites Wizkid on-stage again to renew the hopes of their loyal disciples of a joint record the following year. Unlike partying, another activity tops the itinerary.

Have you ever walked into a public toilet or a public beach only to be welcomed by a couple having a passionate quickie? If you haven’t, I have and before I tell you the story, I’d say it pays to be very flexible and spontaneous because if your back is stiff, then this is your cue to leave or at least learn something. Anyway, I’m at one of Lagos’ many December shows set on a beach- Elegushi to be precise. Everyone is singing along to whoever was on stage at the time. The air around the concert ground is condensed, sweaty, hot, and reeks of body odours. I needed to make the executive decision to leave to get fresh air- even if it meant relinquishing my spot.

So, I’m at the edge of the beach walking, the waves wash onto the shore and envelope my feet. The fresh undiluted cold air hitting my face further validates my choice to flee the concert premises. The whole ambience is like something you’d read in a Kate Clayborn novel.

For anyone who knows this said beach, you’re conversant with the part that houses tonnes of boulders. I’m approaching that part of the beach and I spot a distorted figure. At first, I assumed it was some sort of Nigerian Ariel (Little Mermaid) and I wasn’t ready to find out. As I began to back up while still fixated on the silhouette, stray light crossed paths with the figure and I noticed two giddy breasts bouncing rhythmically- a sight I can spot in pitch-black darkness.

With the knowledge of what was going on, I could approach sneakily and confidently. By the look of things, they wouldn’t care if I puffed my chest and walked past. The dim light from the cigarette bud they shared added more detail as I got closer and ducked behind a rock. They were in the stand-and-deliver position and the aggressively gentle pounds were homeless in the sound of the ocean and it set the perfect theme music to their consummation.

After a couple of minutes, I soaked in my last breaths of fresh air and returned to the back of the concert with a smile on my face like I’d just seen a unicorn.

I’d say this, If you want to playfully stumble on crazy sightings like this, try to leave your house. Lagos is wild! You’d be surprised what you can casually come across. You can be at a Tiwa Savage show singing along to Somebody’s Son while somebody’s daughter is hitting incoherent high notes courtesy of somebody’s son.

Paraventure you have walked in on people getting it publicly and it is something you’d be interested in trying or you haven’t but you’re looking to live vicariously, I’m here to help you find the right position to still climax despite trying times.

The Ballerina

Suspend yourself with one leg while facing your partner, with the other leg wrapped around your partner’s waist. That way they provide sufficient support for you. It should look like a female Salsa dancer right before one of those 10 points one-legged dip. For deeper penetration, lift your leg all the way to your partner’s shoulder if you’re up to it. This style is perfect for tight spaces and it assures intimate facetime.

Stand-And-Deliver

Begin by facing your partner. Then turn around with your ass to his crotch. If you’re in the right position, you ought to feel his phallus in between your butt cheeks. With that out of the way, bend downward with your waist leaving your hands beside your reach backward.

He parks his junk in your trunk and your hands serve as handles to pull you towards his body. That way he can reach deeper.

Upstanding Citizen

You can either start on a bed or hop up from a standing position, facing your partner and straddling them with both legs wrapped around them. Use both your arms to support each other. You can also indulge in some against-the-wall sex, and while they’re inside of you, the position of their pelvis will help stimulate your clit.

The Iron Chef

The penetrated props themselves up on a desk, kitchen counter, washing machine, etc. Then they wrap their legs around the penetrator’s butt. You can do a quickie with deep penetration from this sex position.

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