Over 10% of what we know about sex as humans and what lies behind its many doors is based on what we learnt from our peers and pop culture. Not many people, particularly men, educate themselves about sex. For some reason, there’s a widely held belief that men are supposed to be sexually all-knowing, and that as a woman, you should just lay back and take it how it is served. But the thing about widely held notions is that not all hold water.

Another myth that fits the bill is that “eating pineapple sweetens the pot.” At some point, across both genders, you’ve stumbled upon this hearsay disguised as prescribed medical advice. My first encounter with it occurred when a close male friend of mine mentioned that he was with a girl whose vagina smelled like fish when he went down on her. “Perhaps she had way too much fish,” he politely suggested. “Perhaps I’ll have some pineapples for her next time.” It sweetens and fragrances her juices,” he added. It kind of stuck with me after that day. A little heads up, if it smells “fishy” or otherwise unpleasant, that can hint at bacterial vaginosis, trichomoniasis, or some other health issue. Sadly, pineapples aren’t the only fruits, food, or vegetables to be unfairly pinned as vaginal sweeteners. The likes of garlic, fish, asparagus, and onions, are some other examples.

Dorian’s thoughts were bedeviled by worry, among other things, as he sat, enjoying the cool air in his apartment. “You should get yourself checked out, D. I apologize for gagging, but your sperm smelt like fish,” read the notification from his most recent sneaky link. This wasn’t his first encounter with STIs; his refusal to wear protection had resulted in a slew of battle scars, including scabies, gonorrhoea, and the likes. Whenever the subject of protection came up, his usual defence was “e no dey sweet.” D’s obsession with sweetness was understandable; he was what the ladies called a sweet boy, with chiselled abs, luscious beards, a towering 6’2 with chocolate skin tone, and let’s not forget his meaty penis that made the ladies moan lewdly. Have you ever seen someone lick candy out of its wrapper? It just wouldn’t have the same effect. He was so set in his ways that he refused to be held back by latex. His phallus was far too girthy to be contained within the confines of a sheath. The night in question began similarly to others that had come before it. An all-expense-paid dinner at one of Lagos’ prestigious high-end restaurants, followed by a leisurely drive back to his apartment in his Mercedes-Benz GLE. His hand spent the entirety of the ride on her lap and she couldn’t hide her excitement.

The plethora of videos she made attested to the fact that she had fallen for the lifestyle and that he had her exactly where he wanted her. Back at his place, they couldn’t get their hands off each other, Dorian had lightly smacked her derriere just as he held the door for her and her cheeky smile was all the response he needed to proceed. Soon after that, they couldn’t stop exploring their bodies and kissing. She pushed him towards the bed, slowly removing his jeans and admiring his bent penis before putting it in her mouth. Her goal was to get him to the climax, and she was dead set on doing it. The closer he came, the more her head shook back and forth. His toes curled, his torso curved, and his eyes rolled back into his head.

“What is this, Dorian?” She yelled angrily as she dashed to the restroom. He leaned forward and gazed at her, puzzled and perplexed, as she puked into the sink. He looks toward his phallus to the awful smell of yellowish semen oozing out. Outraged and infuriated, she grabbed her stuff and hurried out faster than a cat hosed with water. He didn’t seem to care; he just lay back down and felt the cool air from the air conditioning across his face.

Tilewa Kazeem
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