For those who are oblivious of what this means, I’m sure you’re juggling with the idea that perhaps, as a one-time-only deal, this is an advertisement for an all-golden shower. Don’t get me wrong, that would be nice–if that was the case–but sadly, it’s not. A little disclaimer; If you’re squeamish, look away now.

Urolagnia (also urophilia and, more colloquially, a golden shower or ‘water sports’) associates sexual excitement with the sight or thought of urine or urination, according to Wikipedia. It might seem strange to some that this kink or paraphilia exists, but you’d be surprised that it has been tied to some notable names. In 2017, A document published by Buzzfeed claimed that Donald Trump allegedly employed “several prostitutes to perform a ‘golden showers’ (urination) show in front of him.” Although he denounced the documents as “fake news” and “a total political witch hunt”, the pee-sized stain it caused was never cleaned off the internet. R. Kelly’s infamous “pee tape” that allegedly captured the urinating on an underage female still hasn’t been forgotten till today. There’s literally a docuseries titled Surviving R. Kelly to that effect.

Discovering how widespread this fetish is still unknown to many, an Australian survey showed that 4% of men were into watersports, and a survey from the UK had similar stats for women, with around 3.5% of women reportedly fantasising about urinating on (or being urinated on) by a partner.

One may assume that given all the available options for satisfying your partner(s), peeing on them wouldn’t be one of them. So what’s the reason behind this kink? Well, ejaculation can be a visible sign of orgasm for certain people who enjoy the visual element of pee, which they describe as “a spurt of liquid flowing out of the object of desire. The power dynamic is another factor. It’s a form of role-playing to submit to someone more dominant or the opposite. The taboo nature of urine may also factor in some people’s interest in it. Pee is typically considered to be something personal or filthy. Someone could be attracted to the ominous nature of breaking a taboo.

When you experience something that originated in the body of the person you’re with, you could feel extraordinarily close to them. It takes vulnerability to let your partner urinate in front of you and allow yourself to urinate on yourself. There is something generally about sharing bodily fluids that can be hot for certain people. Watersports can increase trust and closeness. Some folks with this kink get giddy just thinking about the liquid itself. It’s a dream come true to have their lover’s urine kept in a glass jar in the basement so they can examine it. However, given Nigeria’s strict culture, religion, and the pervasive stench of urine, the idea it exists can be foreign, but nothing is new under the sun– especially in Nigeria.

Before you run around peeing on people willy-nilly, you’d need a few tips for executing this kink accurately, one of which is consent. Granted, you need this for any sexual act, but if my sexual escapade is going to involve me getting peed on, I’d like to know. Wouldn’t you? That said, you’d need to be forward about your plan, especially if it involves body waste coming in contact with my skin. Having a safe word is another way to prepare and protect each other from the hot reality of urine. You can agree to it, and along the line, you discover you’re no longer interested; a safe word would be your safest option.

Another thing to pay attention to is where the peeing is happening. On the floor, in bed or in the shower. Wherever you choose, just stick with it.

“Just stick with it; I thought you said you liked things kinky?” was also what Yeni said after, once again, I had flirted my way into a sexual conundrum. Yeni, however, was as calm as a cucumber. This was her thing. She loved the warmth of urine on her chocolate skin. She didn’t mind who it was; as long she’s feeling your “vibe” and digs you, the glass shoe fits. You’ll be her ‘watersports’ partner till things get too salty, and then she moves on to the next person. In today’s case, I was the next person. Yeni and I started talking on one of those “swipe left to like apps”, and our conversations were steamy from the word go, which was very much my speed.

Although I know that there is safety in numbers, I went alone to see her at her flat for obvious reasons. She was different and considerably chunkier in person than the pictures on her account, which I later realised were old photos and not a catfish situation. Shortly after small talk and a glass of water, we were on each other like steel on magnets. And then, not too long after, we found ourselves in the shower of her master bedroom, the supposed venue of our heated romance, lovemaking and soon, waterworks. To paint a vivid picture of the situation, think of that water scene in Flashdance, except with no chair and not as much water. We were butt naked in the bathroom; the shower was not pouring on us furiously but enough to keep us both wet. She laid on one of those rubber mats with her legs sprawled, and I was between her legs, toiling away. A few minutes in, she folded her legs around my buttcheeks, pulled me in and kept me there. She then said, “I’m coming; I’m gonna squirt.” Now I’m excited. I’d never made anyone squirt, so I turned things up a notch. I’m leaning toward her, both palms to the ground, and I’m pounding faster just to see the geyser– of whatever a squirt is– shoot out from her insides. And after a few seconds, it sprays everywhere, and I should have been elated that I finally struck oil, but I wasn’t. Why? Because it wasn’t what I expected. “Did you just squirt pee all over me?” I said deadpanned. Looking sheepishly, she responded, “Just stick with it; I thought you said you liked things kinky?” It’s been years since we last spoke; I sure hope she’s doing okay.

Tilewa Kazeem
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