There’s a first time for everything; Neil Armstrong was the first man to set foot on the moon, and Yuri Gagarin was the first man to go to space. And although the pleasure derived from sex can often be summed up as being in the clouds when it’s the first time, the experience sometimes can be a mixed bag of feelings. I’ve met ladies who’ve told me that not being deflowered felt like weights strapped to their backs. At a time now when sex is everywhere, I could understand their frustrations. I could understand as a guy how much pressure the world, and my gender, put on women who are virgins. Not necessarily because they are highly desired, but because they frequently seem “too difficult.” Hearing a woman state, “I’m a virgin,” can be a deal-breaker for some males. They’d rather be with women who weren’t virgins because they were perceived as “easier” to be with. However, in earlier times, being a virgin was considered an honour. Parents bragged about it— some parents still do. They’d schedule regular doctor’s appointments to verify if their daughters’ hymens were still intact or use unorthodox means. Those who weren’t, lived as outcasts. But if going by what research over time has said, a hymen can be torn from mundane acts like riding a bike. Taken by how many okadas there are in Nigeria, I’ll let you do the maths.

Women and hymen, sorry, men have different reasons for not wanting to be virgins or be with one; and for some women who were virgins, they just wanted it to be done with but what they had heard about the pain served as a deterrent. Tolu, a recently deflowered 21-year-old female, said, “To me, it was not worth the hype like everyone made it out to be. Everyone was always like, your first time, it’s going to hurt, there is going to be blood, and I had all this at the back of my mind. I had come to terms with the fact that the first time was going to be shitty. But when it eventually happened, it wasn’t what I expected; no blood, no pain and no mess. It was nice and really chill. The hype around popping the cherry is nonsense, lies from the pit of hell. But jokes aside, it’s not as bad as they made it out to be. I guess it depends on the partner. When I said it hurts, he stopped for a while, and the pain faded away.” Now, this is just one person’s recall of her experience, but this experience can very much differ from the next girl. Although she didn’t experience much pain, the widely accepted notion is that pain and maybe some blood is to be expected because there will be tearing of a membrane after all.

For some reason, someone has deemed you worthy enough to be their first time. Exciting? Perhaps. Enormous obligation? Absolutely. Popping the cherry can put you and her in a very precarious situation. She might have a unique connection to you because she chose you as her first; therefore, you’ll need to consider her feelings. There is also the potential for attachment. Since this is her first time, she may remember it forever. So before you green light her sex life with your penis, there are a few things to keep in mind going in.

First of all, relax. No pressure. These are uncharted waters, and you are the only sailor on this ship. Although it is a significant step for you both, you shouldn’t be anxious about it. If you do feel stressed, perhaps neither of you is prepared yet.

Another thing to make sure of is if she’s ready. Verify that she isn’t acting in this manner solely for your benefit. Make things clear and confirm that she wants it for the right reasons. Her comfort and emotions should be put on the front burner. She might have a variety of contradictory emotions. She might be many different things at once: terrified, eager, reluctant, joyful, prepared, etc. Let her process her feelings until she feels completely at ease.

At ease was how Irene felt when Ben hovered over her. They had planned this weeks ago, but when the time came, Irene just couldn’t come around to doing it, and Ben didn’t want to rush her. But today, she was ready. Now was the time, and Ben was the right person. They had met at NYSC, Ben was in her platoon, and they had shared a bus from Lagos to Kaduna. He remembers the whole thing like it was yesterday. Memories of how they had bumped into each other at the cafeteria and when they had their first kiss during the Mr and Mrs NYSC pageant burnt intensely as he stared into her hazel-coloured eyes. There was no period greater than the one they were both experiencing at that very moment.

Ben was a gentlemanly person. Irene was never pressured into losing her virginity by him. It became something he treasured since he loved Irene so much more, virgin or not. From the first time he set his eyes on her, he knew his eyes would never come across anything they would cherish more. He knew she was his, and he was hers. With both representing the individual wings of a blue morpho butterfly, their hearts fluttered with beauty. As he unhurriedly slid his phallus into her, Irene clenched his tight, slightly toned arm and took a deep breath. She searched eagerly for Ben’s face before planting on him a mouthful kiss.

Tilewa Kazeem
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