Standing in front of the mirror naked was one of the hardest things for me to do. I find it so awkward, but that afternoon, I stood in front of the mirror naked, not by accident. I undressed slowly, watching myself. My hands moved like they had a mind of their own like they had been waiting for that moment.

I touched my breasts. I cupped them gently. I looked at my curves, the soft parts of me I used to hide. That afternoon, I didn’t look away. I let myself look. Really look. I was shy at first. Then I smiled. I was beautiful. I didn’t need anyone else to say it. I felt it in my skin.

Then I did something I had never done before.

I sat on the floor, legs spread, right in front of the mirror. I watched myself as I touched down there. I closed my eyes, then opened them again. I wanted to see. I wanted to know what I looked like when I gave myself pleasure.

It felt good. So good. I kept going until my legs shook. I moaned. Not for anyone. Just for me.

That was the first time.

I did it again the next night. Then, the night after, and just like that, it became a ritual. I would light a candle. Undress slowly. Dance a little, not for the mirror, but for myself. I did it for the woman staring back at me. She was mine. She was soft and wild and full of fire.

Then I became greedy. I wanted more. My fingers weren’t enough anymore. So I bought toys—a small one at first, then a bigger one. I tried new things. I explored every inch of my body. I watched myself the whole time—not out of vanity, but because I was learning. I was learning my own body, my own rhythm, my own music.

I moaned louder. I touched deeper. I danced naked. I talked to myself. Told myself how sexy I was. I believed it. I didn’t need clothes to feel powerful. I didn’t need a lover to feel alive.

I started to walk differently. Sit differently. The mirror knew. She had seen it all. She had witnessed the moment I stopped being ashamed of my body. I no longer sucked in my stomach. I no longer cover my thighs. I no longer get insecure about stretch marks. I would always run my fingers over my belly, my hips, my breasts. I loved what I saw. And what I felt.

I had been waiting for a man to make me feel whole. To tell me I was enough. But I didn’t need him. I had myself. I had my hands. My breath. My moans. My mirror.

Some nights I would laugh while touching myself, so full of joy I could burst. Other nights, I cried, not from sadness but from release. My body was not dirty. It was not too much. It was mine. And it was holy.

I don’t chase lovers anymore. I don’t beg to be seen. I see myself.

And when I touch myself now, it’s not just for pleasure. It’s a thank you. For surviving. For waking up. For blooming.

The mirror is still there. So am I. Still dancing. Still moaning. Still alive.

Dorcas Akintoye
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Dorcas Akintoye is a versatile writer with a passion for beauty, fashion, relationships, and culinary delight. With a keen eye for detail and a passion for storytelling, she adds a touch of elegance to every topic she explores. She is a writer at THEWILL DOWNTOWN.